FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
about
LIFE 

ADAPTED FROM EVAN EISENBERG © THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY 

What is your return policy?
All our products carry a 100 percent lifetime guarantee. You may return them at any time and for any reason. However, we regret that we cannot offer refunds, credit, or exchanges. 

What are the system requirements?
While our products are compatible with all platforms, for optimal performance we recommend:
     • W. Europe, N. America, or equivalent
     • 200K USD per annum or higher income
     • Presbyterian, Episcopalian, or Methodist (download application forms)
     • 20 kHz moral processor or less
     • 1.25‑year memory or less 

Why does evil exist?
Our quality‑control procedures are among the most stringent in the industry. However, while we are responsible for the objective quality of our products, we are not responsible for your subjective experience of them. If you have not done so already, please read the About section of this site. Note that at the end of each day of Creation, God observes that it was good. At no point does He ask, "Was it good for you, too?" 

How can I get customer support?
Telephone support is available seven days a week, from 7 p.m. to 3 a.m. EST, except during monsoon season. Please note that our options have changed. 

What is the meaning of life?
Life is a Fountain. 

Are there any side effects?
As with any such product, there are side effects in some people. The most common side effects reported during testing were heartbreak, disappointment, illness, aging, and death. 

When is monsoon season?
Generally, from two days before the Cart Festival of Lord Jagannatha to one week after Krishna's Birthday. 

What are your shipping options?
We currently offer Surface Mail, Carrier Pigeon (4 ounces or less), Pony Express, Naked Mole Rat, Capillary Action, Gravity (customers below 1,200 feet), and Continental Drift. See the Shipping Options table for rates and estimated times. 

Can I get a venereal disease from a laptop computer?
Our latest security update  (2.4.6.8) protects against viruses, worms, and crabs, but not spirochetes. To reduce the risk to zero or less, use commonsense precautions, such as:
     •  cleaning all ports once a week with a cotton swab dipped in retsina;
     •  not accepting cookies unless sealed in their original packaging;
     •  wearing a slicker or heavy raincoat while accessing adult content. 

My nose just fell off.  Is it too late to seek treatment?
Yes. 

Why me?
Some people see the hand of God in their lives, some only the finger.
If you are having difficulty, please check the system requirements (above). If you are certain that you meet all requirements, your problem may be metaphysical. 

What is the meaning of "Life is a Fountain"?
This section of our FAQ page is currently under construction. Please check back later.  

Do you love me?
To us, you are a person, not a number. Our aim is to give undivided personal attention to the unique needs of each of our valued customers, insofar as they are interchangeable with those of our other valued customers. Other restrictions may apply. 

How many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have died?
 n +1 

When are we going to be there?
Eventually.